On the End of My Time in Academia
for now.. or forever? hard to say
Tomorrow morning I will wake up, I will eat breakfast, I will put on the outfit that feels like the right outfit for the day, I will make sure I have my computer, my lunch box and a charger and then I will walk to Martyrs Kirk Library and I will read over my dissertation one last time.
I will read all 15,000 words, and hopefully I will be sitting next to Libby, Zoë, and Ellie.
In the library, I am going to double-check my references, and then I am going to do something big. I mean BIG. I am going to press:
Save as
Copy
“Final FINAL dissertation”
I am going to upload it onto the MySaint account of my St. Andrews account.
And then….
I will be done.
Done, done.
That will be the end of my masters degree.
Tomorrow is the conclusion of 20+ years of school. Tomorrow I turn in 15,000 words that I have been collecting data for and writing since April 22nd. Tomorrow I am done working for free.
Academia I am done with you, at least for now.
No PhD in-sight for the foreseeable future, ya girl needs a MAJOR break and to start making some money before that can even be a thought.
I left the library today at 4 p.m. and I went home. I went for a run, I did yoga, I cooked some dinner. And then I got out my guitar and I just played songs for two hours outside on a beautiful August afternoon. My own old songs, and other songs too. Natalia Lafourcade, Carole King, Joni Mitchell. Here’s a bit of Natalia:
I can feel the other parts of my personality coming up for air. I didn’t realize they had been suffocated.
I just keep thinking: I am so excited to be done. It is time.
I learned so much this year! I really did.
I learned how to write essays in a way that I never have before (and I learned how to conduct the whole essay writing process from scratch, on my own, in a way that the US system doesn’t really require you to do).
I learned how to research, how to host my own community event, how to manage my own time with absolutely no direction.
I learned how to live on my own: no partner, no family nearby.
I learned how to spend less than $50/ week when times got rough (times being now, lol).
I learned how to get up everyday when you do not see how you are even supposed to start and just start anyway.
I learned how to let go of what people thought about me.
I learned some really important things about who I am and what my identity is.
This was, by far, the hardest year of my life.
It was beautiful.
But it was so hard I can barely remember parts of it, that’s how hard.
Tomorrow wraps up the end of a year-long masters degree.
It feels like my life begins tomorrow. Tomorrow I get to live again!
Tomorrow, the first thing I am going to do after I submit is I am going to pack my bag up and walk out that MK door.
Then I am going to go to the sea and I am just going to sit there for a really really really long time. I am just going to stare at that big blue expanse. I am just going to let there be absolutely nothing up there in my brain.
And then I am going to walk up the hill back up towards town, I am going to go to Janettas, and I am going to get myself a big ole’ ice cream.
Tomorrow — the rest of my life?! — I am so so ready.
<3 Ada